Pinball Promo Videos – An Intro And Top Three Cringe-Fest
When it comes to selling, pinball machines are no different. They need to be sold and there are a few ways that you can sell something. Sure, there are times that the hard sell is the one and according to the pinball promo videos I have seen. This gentleman here would have not been out of place one bit.
Pinball Promo Videos – They Are Certainly Of A Time
Now let’s be honest, these huge budget, highly edited bad boys came out at a time where maybe that sales style was the norm. We aren’t pointing fingers, it was just the time, but it is fair to say they have aged. Badly. I do wonder when looking through these videos. Which through the modern wonder that is the internet have made it to YouTube. How these short promo videos were distributed. I am guessing, if my weekly copy of Kerrang that my local shop kept under the counter for me on my subscription basis is anything to go by. It was by VHS. If anyone can confirm this, please do in the comments below.
On that note though, I find it incredible how the games have, like a fine wine, aged so damn well. Compare that to these videos. It’s more like a cheap bottle of plonk in your mums dresser that has been corked. The bottle you sneak out at 16 to a mates house party that looks like vinegar, smells like vinegar, but damn well gets you pissed. Funny how even with these having certain qualities that make your nose turn up just like the vinegar. The nostalgic hit and interest keeps me on the hunt and ends in a good time, much like the 13% in that old bottle.
Tuck yourself in, prepare to see, swirl, sniff, sip and savour my top three cringiest video promo vidoes.
The First Top Three List For Cringe Ridden Pinball Promo Videos
I hope to do more of these, but the first one will be on cringy promo videos, or certain bits that I was just left thinking. What the heck. In the future, who knows, maybe we can look at the very best, the absolute worst, the what the hecks. Right now though, lets review some cringy moments.
3. Fish Tales Pinball Machine Promo Video
This one is a bit of a longer video. Possibly worth the watch, I mean, let’s be honest. You are googling or following links to pinball promo videos. You haven’t got anything else to do. The start of this video is what gets me off the bat, “Every weekend Bert and Ernie go looking for spiritual fulfillment… and fish.” In isolation if you listened to that you’d be thinking what the F. Either they are going to see the Dalai Lama and have a Harry Ramsden on the way home or… I just don’t get it. Fishing isn’t spiritual is it, or am I just doing it wrong? (There’s a fish joke there too, but I will leave that for your own imagination, that could go two ways and I think I have offended readers enough already.)
Essentially the whole video is, these two guys love fishing, but they suck at it. They suck because the lake is so busy. They build a pinball machine. IT EARNS SUPER LOADS. You hear that operators. LOADS. Clears the lake (because of the takings, operators, takings). Then they catch so many fish it’s unreal. But wait, there is a twist. The fish they catch are the same as the topper.
This is such a cringe ridden promo video because it just sucks. Honestly. It sucks. You just look at the whole thing and think to yourself, what were they thinking. Now don’t get me wrong. Fish tales is an amazing game. I love it. This however, just doesn’t work. I get that they tried to make a story about the whole fishing scene and how amazing it is and, did we say how much money the game made. Was this really the only direction they could go in though? With a near 10 minute runtime, I was intruiged but left thinking. What the hell. They must have had to go the whole hog to sell this to operators, but honestly. It just sucks.
2. Corvetted Pinball Machine Promo Video
Ahhh… the 60’s. Remember those days. Poster girls, pinups and the swinging… wait what. Bally Corvette was made in 1994. But this video. Oh no.
Literally this game plays on the “hot women and cars” trope because, you know. MEN. Let’s not think 1994 wasn’t self aware of bewbs and horse power being a thing to sattire, because, come on, that’s just lazy marketing. The Simpsons already did it.
The video starts off with a nice introduction, we see some cars, then some more. Then there’s cars. Oh and they do this bit too, with some cars. In case you didn’t know by now. A Corvette is a car.
We meet Angie, (or Angy, or perhaps even Anne G. I am not sure) who walks us around the game. It starts of slow, she’s playing the game in her red white and blue jacket, because, you know. ‘MURICA. Then things move at a pace a sixteen year old boy can only dream of. Anne G is in a sparkling ensemble that let’s face it, would make a disco ball jealous.
We aren’t just treated to this visual tornado, oh no. We get the full on mullet wearing, miller sipping, sofa in the front yard rock music we associate with all things awesome. That’s right. There is so much radical testosterone in this video by the end of it I wanted to down some red bull and jump out of a plane.
Then there is the dialogue, there’s puns galore in this bad boy, see how many you can count. But the biggest cringe induced dialogue moment comes from Anne G. Part of me is sorry to do this to poor old Anne G, by this time, I really have got to like her. I am putting this down to direction. The line about the fastest…. playfield in pinball (2:40 if you want to watch again!). What is going on with that pause. Did they not have time for a reshoot. What makes it worse is we are talking about a fast paced, adrenaline driven speed fest with the fastest………… playfield in pinball. Come on Anne G, don’t pause there! Where’s the flow? There was no stutter at 3:10 when you said playfield again! Why!
We then move into what can only be described as a Corvette mini commercial for the opening of the Corvette musuem, where we get the takings rundown. Gotta love some takings. This Corvette game, took money, good money I assume, at a Corvette museum, on opening weekend. Where there were ten of them. In other news, water is wet and disco is dead.
The final piece comes back to good old Anne G, where someone has either left the door open, or the wind machine finally started working. Why was this put on just for this last scene, I have no idea.
1. Demolition Man Pinball Machine Promo Video
This promo video starts off fairly well. In fact the outfit looks remarkably like that worn in the movie, as opposed to something your nan has knocked for halloween. Knitted. Naturally. The first of a few cringey moments is that pause and elvis lip on the first utturance of Demolition. Did Anne G change her between these two videos? I personally felt it came across more Hannibal Lecture than seductive hottie. Which I am guessing they were going for. Straight after that what is going on with the edit. Okay, she said it, can we cut to the next part… no. Just gonna hang around here for a bit. Ok.
I can’t be too harsh on the actress, it was clearly the direction given. Maybe they were going for camp. All this paragraph will say is “The Cryo Claw…”
This video is all going well and good beyond that, or so it seems. We see some pinball stuff, that’s cool. We see some movie stuff. That’s cool too. Then something bats*it crazy happens. I mean, seriously. Now we all know that scene in Demo man where Sandra Bullock and Sly start getting it on digitally before he suggests they do the “hunga junga”. You can take a moment to laugh at the term “hunga junga” then take another to laugh again imagining it in Sly’s accent. Then say Adrian. Okay back in the room. This adaptation of said scene, involving a pinball is simply ultimate cringe. I love how they ran out of ideas and just got here at one point to play the game standing on a stool. Top workt that.
Your Cringiest Pinball Video Moments
I hope you enjoyed this, please let me know your top cringiest pinball moments in the comments below. If I got something way off in this top 3, let me know.